The Cost of Freedom - Full Fic
by Purple-Martin111
Summary: The war in the Middle East was suppose end 5 years ago. Problem is, it nerve did. After the death of her husband and infant son, Allison Cooper decides to enlist in the Army. She has a lot to learn and her journey isn't easy but she finds healing in unexpected places. Along the way she learns the price you pay for war. The true cost of freedom. (Modern Day AU-Not canon compliant)
1. Time is Not

_**Chapter title: Henry Van Dyke**_

 _Time is  
Too Slow for those who Wait,  
Too Swift for those who Fear,  
Too Long for those who Grieve,  
Too Short for those who Rejoice;  
_ _But for those who Love,  
_ _Time is Not._

 _-Henry Van Dyke-_

 _ **-October 23, 2016-**_

It was unseasonably warm.

Despite being October, the sun had risen and given way to a cloudless, warm autumn day. Fall had burst to life not long ago and the trees were ablaze with bright shades of orange, red, and yellow.

Autumn was Allison's favorite time of the year. There was something in the air and the way the sun hung low in the sky that made her feel alive. The way the coolness of the breeze made her reach for her coat but the warmth of the sun on her skin made her hesitate to put it on. Or maybe it was the smell of smoky pines woven together with the spicy, sweet scent of cinnamon. Perhaps it was the breathtaking fall foliage that looked like the trees were a perpetual fiery sunset.

Whatever the reason, Allison loved fall.

The unusual, almost summer like, weather had found her and Nate opening all the windows in the house, letting the inside breath in the outside. The day had passed in warmth, smiles, and pleasantries. They had taken Shaun to the neighborhood park and chatted with the neighbors about the upcoming Halloween festivities. When they finally came home, Nate had stayed outside to rake leaves and mow the yard while Allison went in to feed the baby and put him down for a nap.

After tending to her baby, Allison laid down to rest, thankful for the brief pause in the seemingly endless demands of raising an infant. While Shaun was mostly sleeping through the night and following a routine, she still felt exhausted most of the time. It was like her body was playing catch-up after giving birth.

A draft of warm fall air blew in from the open window and breathed across Allison's skin as she lay atop the bed she shared with her husband. The tepid breeze wrapped her in a blanket of gratitude as she basked in this coveted time of respite and solitude, allowing herself to close her eyes and relax and she wondered how she had gotten so lucky. The tension was slowly dissipating from her muscles, seeping through her pores and being whisked away to the stratosphere.

Her mind wandered, combing through the culmination of events that had allowed her to slip into the peaceful domesticity of the American Dream. The course of her life had been wrought with pits and valleys. She was a wayward weed caught in the wind and in her early years she wandered aimlessly, chasing the stars like she had nothing to lose.

Meeting Nate had been the apex of change. He gave her the stability she had been lacking and eased the ache of restlessness that consumed her untamed soul. They fit together and walked through life hand in hand and when one was no longer able to stand, the other waded through the waters to carry them to the other side. Apart they were like a canvass without paint but together they were the missing pieces that completed the picture.

* * *

 _Nate sighed as his hand came to rest on the doorknob of his home in the Boston suburbs._

 _The past few months had been a difficult transition from the Air Force to civilian life. But he had spent far too much time apart from Ally and as much as he wanted to help defend against the increasing threat in the Middle East, he missed his wife. When his service contract ended in the summer of 2015 he decided not to continue his active duty enlistment and rejoined the civilian world._

 _The Air Force had kept Nate focused, working toward a common goal. He thrived in the structure and discipline. The civilian life felt foreign and since his retirement, he felt lost, unclear and unsure where he fit in._

 _Now, as he turned the knob and pushed the door open to his house, he felt a fleeting rush of hopefulness and nagging fear of failure ebbed away, if only for a moment. In this new role, he would be able to continue serving his country but not have to be on the front lines and maybe be able to establish some normalcy in his life again._

" _Nate?" Ally's voice echoed from the hallway, "Is that you?"_

" _Yeah babe," the door clicked shut behind him, "it's me."_

 _Ally appeared in the entryway to the hall. She bit her bottom lip and rubbed her hands on her jeans. Nate knew she was just as nervous as he was. Her hazel eyes flicked around the room, as he walked towards her, before coming to rest upon his._

" _Well…?" she prompted, "How did it go?"_

" _The interview was stressful," Nate shuffled and glanced down at the floor, the nagging feeling in his chest edged back in. "They wanted to know about my avionic background and asked me about different weapon systems."_

 _He looked up and Ally folded her arms across her chest, still chewing at her bottom lip._

" _I guess they just wanted to make sure I know my stuff."_

" _So...what does that mean?" Ally leaned into the arched entryway, lines of worry furrowed across her face._

 _For a moment Nate hesitated, feeling apprehensive. He didn't quite understand this anxiety that had nested within him. It had been slowly bleeding through the cracks in the outward appearance of strength and stability since his last deployment. He desperately tried to stowaway behind crumbling walls but one look at Ally revealed that she saw through the guise. Rich browns and bright green held the captivating promise of redemption and Nate refused to hide from her._

" _Well, with the expedited hiring process, it will be about two weeks before I can start."_

 _With the rapidly advancing technology of modern day warfare and the threat of war breaching American soil, the need for abled bodied men and women, engineers and scientists, soldiers and civilians alike, able to forge the front of research was paramount. In recent years, the enlistment and hiring processes of the military had been expedited to fulfil the overwhelming need for warm bodies._

" _So they offered you the job?" she asked with raised eyebrows._

" _It's a conditional offer. They have to run the initial background checks but I've already got the clearance so it shouldn't be a problem."_

 _There was a pause, a reluctancy of sorts. An unspoken burden left by the unseen wounds of war._

" _Is this what you want?" Ally's hand gently touched his arm, just above his elbow._

 _The Natick Soldier Systems Center was a state of the art military research facility. Nate would be working with cutting edge technology to research and advanced experimental weapons and armor. He would be operating alongside some of the most talented scientists, engineers, and researchers in the country. Civilians and soldiers working together to create a better future for their brothers and sisters in arms and keeping their country safe through science and technology._

 _Nate was anxious but to say he wasn't excited would be a lie._

" _Yes," he smiled slightly at the possibilities and the thought of this opportunity._

 _Ally continued to silently study him. She was too perceptive for her own good. Nate tried to remain steadfast and hold his facade but he knew what she was getting at. He knew what Ally was really_ _asking._

'Will this make you happy?'

 _That was a question he couldn't answer. He didn't know. It wasn't just the departure from the Air Force that was troubling Nate, it was Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and numerous deployments. It was the IEDs that maimed his brothers, the guerrilla warfare that took the lives of the people he cared about, and the air raids that devastated entire towns and killed innocent civilians._

 _War weighed heavy on Nate but Ally was his light. His wife gave him hope that there was life beyond war._

 _There was no way of knowing if this job was the answer but he would sure as hell try. He would be the man and the husband his wife deserved._

" _This is what I want," he assured her as his hands came to rest on her hips._

 _Finally Ally relaxed and returned his smile. She stepped toward him and put her arms around his shoulders and softly kissed his cheek._

" _I'm really proud of you. I always have been." she whispered and rubbed her nose along the shell of his ear, "I have some news too."_

" _Oh?" Nate pulled back to look at her. An unreadable expression fell across her face, one he had never seen before. Anxiety burned, like acid, from the inside out. It twisted and churned his gut into knots. "Is something wrong?"_

 _Ally shook her head and a sort of smile tugged at the corners of her mouth._

" _I'm pregnant."_

 _His mind went blank as he tried to process what she had just said._

" _W-what?" he stammered._

 _Nate stared, that certainly wasn't what he was expecting, although, it didn't come as a surprise. They weren't try to get pregnant but they weren't exactly trying very hard not to either._

 _As quickly as it had come, the bubbling in his belly melted away. His breath caught in his throat and he couldn't breathe. The air suddenly gone from his lungs but for an entirely different reason than the anxiety that was chewing away at him._

" _I'm pregnant." she repeated._

" _Ally…" his voice was like a hushed lullaby as he took her face in her hands. "You're serious?"_

" _Mhm," she was nodding and smiling, "Yes."_

 _Nate could see the moisture that pricked at the corners of her eyes and his lips were on hers in an instant. He kissed her and held her and poured every emotion he couldn't articulated into his kiss. He was staggered by the overwhelming love and joy that bloomed from his chest. It consumed him and he couldn't hold his wife close enough._

" _Nate," she pulled away and there were tears in his eyes too. She touched his face and brushed away the wetness that fell from his eyes._

" _Ally…_ "

* * *

"...Allison?"

She opened her eyes and was met with blue eyes that reminded her of that point where the sea meets the sky. The dark outer ring of his iris meeting an endless ocean of shimmering cerulean stretching on into the infinite horizon.

Nate sat on the edge of the bed and softly caressed her back while tucking an unruly strand of hair behind her ear.

Had she fallen asleep?

She stretched and stifled a yawn as she rubbed her eyes, "What time is it?"

"Just after four." Nate smiled at her, "We need to get ready."

Much had transpired over the past year but Allison could still see the deep-seated anxiety that lingered and at times, held her husband like a vice.

She could see it in the slight dilation of his pupils, the gentle creases in his forehead, the way he lightly tapped his thumb against his thigh, and how he held her just a little too tight. As if she was the only thing holding him to this world.

"You sure you want to do this?" Allison squeezed his hand and looked up into an ocean of blue.

"No." The answer was quickly forced out and he held her eyes for a moment before they drifted toward the bay window. The curtains fluttered in the wind and his brows creased as he grappled with his internal conflict. "But I'm going to anyway."

Nate had been surprised when he had been asked to speak at the fundraiser at the Veteran's Hall tonight but Allison had been even more surprised that he had agreed. He was loquacious around friends and family but struggled with large groups.

Allison touched his cheek returning his attention back to her. "You'll get through it. Just look for me in the crowd."

He sighed as his fingers combed their way through his flaxen blonde strands, "Yeah, but doesn't mean I'm not nervous."

She sat up and put her arms around him, "I know. Does it help if I tell you I'm proud of you?"

"Maybe." A jumble of emotions swam in his eyes as Nate returned her embrace and his hands found their way into her honey colored hair. He leaned his forehead against hers and kissed the bridge of her nose. "I'm going to get the shower."

Allison wrinkled her nose as he got up from the bed, "Why do smell like gasoline?"

He paused momentarily before muttering, "The lawn mower wasn't cooperating," and turned to walk towards the bathroom.

"What happened?" The blankets were pushed away and she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Allison exhaled and pressed her fingers against her temple.

She knew better than to ask questions.

Nate had a tendency to turn little projects into long drawn out ordeals. Like the time he was supposed to change the oil in her car but instead the entire engine got taken apart and put back together. Or the time he was supposed to replace a few loose tiles in the shower and the whole master bath got a remodel. Or when she would send him to pick up some milk and he would come back with everything in the store except the milk.

He stopped in the doorway to the bathroom and looked over his shoulder at her, "Ally, you really don't want to know."

She crossed her arms with raised brows and her head tilted forward, "Nate."

He just stood there in the doorway and Allison half expected him not to respond but then she saw the slight shift in his shoulders.

"The fuel filter needed to be replace, I broke the gas tank assembly trying to get to it."

Allison let out a soft groan and shook her head, "How bad is it?"

"Probably a good idea not to go in the garage." Still he stood there, unable to fully face her, "I promise I'll clean it up tomorrow."

She could feel his eyes on her as she stood and walked toward the bedroom door.

"I warned you," he shrugged and disappeared into the bathroom.

Allison ventured down the hallway, through the living and dining area past the kitchen towards the garage.

She reached for the doorknob and when her fingers closed around it, she seriously considered that she shouldn't go in there, but curiosity got the better of her.

"Nathan Williams," she breathed as the door swung open.

It looked like a bomb had gone off in her garage. Pieces of the mower littered ground, and the iridescent sheen of gasoline shone across the floor. Various items had been haphazardly taken off shelves and his workbench was a mess of tools, half formed sheets of steel, and gun parts.

For a moment she considered cleaning some of it up, but as she stepped into the garage, the overwhelming, acrid smell of fuel choked her senses and made her eyes water. Upon further deliberation, she decided that yes, they would deal with it tomorrow.

"What am I going to do with you Nate," she muttered to herself as she pulled the door closed.

Allison made her way back to the the bedroom but as she passed Shaun's room and soft sound fell upon her ears. As she crossed the threshold to his room she could see that he was still sound asleep in his crib. Shaun would be six months soon and she couldn't believe how fast time had gone by, it seemed like just yesterday he was a small, fragile newborn.

After he was born, Allison was terrified that she would break him. That in her inexperience she would fail him. It didn't matter how much she had prepared, when the time came and he entered the world, beautiful and flawless, she realized that no amount of reading or advice could have adequately equip her for the reality of motherhood.

The task of being responsible for the tiny life they had created was overwhelming and most of the time she had no idea what she was doing. She was flying by the seat of her pants and she was certain that she was doing something wrong. That her mistakes would be too much and Shaun would somehow grow up tainted.

Despite her fears, being a mother was beyond rewarding and Nate was always there to talk her out of her irrational thought processes. He reminded and showed her that Shaun was happy, healthy, and growing. Whatever mistakes she thought she made, she hadn't done anything _wrong._

No matter what had transpired in the daylight hours, at the end of the day, Allison always collapsed into bed next to her husband, utterly exhausted. Yet the feeling of fullness, of love and happiness eclipsed everything else. Nate meant the world to her but her son was the piece to the puzzle she didn't know she was missing.

Looking down at him now, Allison could see he had grown so much. He was strong and healthy and as she studied his small, peaceful frame, she felt her heart melt. She loved him beyond words. As he slept, she watched the steady rise and fall of his chest. His rosy cheeks and perfect nose, everything, she loved everything about him.

The rush of water gurgling through the pipes roused Allison's attention as the shower turned on in the other room. She tenderly smiled at her baby and kissed her fingers, pressing them to her precious baby's cheek before following the noise across the hall.

As she walked into their room, she could hear Nate humming in the shower. A smile slipped across her face, despite the struggles they had faced in the time since he left the military, he hadn't lost sight of who he was. He was still the same goofy kid with the crooked smile she fell in love with.

"What are you doing in here love?" Allison pushed the door to the bathroom open and was engulfed in a billow of steam.

"Taking a shower."

Her husband was fluent in the language of sarcasm and Allison wanted to retort, _No shit,_ but she bit her tongue because she knew where that response would lead, _Stupid questions get stupid answers._

Instead she rolled her eyes and looked in the mirror. She ran a hand through hair that was like warm wildflower honey, trying to decide what to do with the wavy locks. The mossy green of her hazel irises, muddied with a kaleidoscope of golds and browns, stared back at her.

"You're beautiful," Nate's voice was a muffled echo cutting through the steam and bouncing off the ceramic tiles.

Allison caught his eyes peeking around the shower curtain in the foggy mirror. They spoke of love and adoration, of trust and respect, and a promise to keep his family safe at all costs.

He stretched his arm towards her, but she was just out of reach. His fingers beckoned for her to come closer but as she turned around, she leaned her hand into her hip and shook her head.

"Woman," it was a low growl, "get over here."

Maybe she liked the biting tone but she wouldn't give in so easy. She leaned into her hip more and watched as Nate grasped at nothing but air trying to get at her.

Finally Allison relented and stepped forward allowing Nate to grab her wrist and tug her toward him. He grinned and hummed his approval as his hand caressed the light fawn of her skin trailing up her arm. His fingers came to rest against her cheek and he lightly ran his thumb across her lips.

"I love you," he muttered and shook his head causing water to drip from the blonde strands onto Allison's cheeks and nose.

"You're such a goober," she couldn't help but smile as she leaned on to her toes and softly pressed her lips to his, "but, I love you too."

The way Nate looked at her told Allison everything she needed to know. It was her and her alone who had captured his heart. She was his light in a sea of darkness.

"Hurry up handsome," she took his hand in hers and kissed his fingers, "I'm gonna get dressed."

Moisture had begun to collect like dew on Allison's skin as Nate kissed her one last time. After a moment he released her and her lungs were met with clear, cool air as she walked into the bedroom.

A monstrosity of disorganization greeted her as she rummaged through the closet looking for the dress she picked out for tonight and she thought she really should consider getting rid of some stuff. Finally she found it but rustling and and soft murmuring sounds came from the baby monitor on the night stand

The dress was tossed on the bed and her efforts to get ready abandoned. As she walked across the hall and went into his room, she could see Shaun in his crib wriggling and entertaining himself and his face lit up upon seeing his mother.

"How's mama's little angel?" she cooed and tickled his belly eliciting a giggle from her baby.

Allison picked him up and held him close, kissing the top of his head. The feeling warmth spreading from within. She sat with him in the rocker beside his crib for awhile, content just watching him laugh and soak up her tender love.

It wasn't long before the shower turned off and Allison could hear Nate getting ready in the other room. She wondered what he was thinking. On the outside he looked calm and collected but she knew the conflict brewing within and she hoped that her presence at the event would be enough ease the storm.

"Yeah, she's with Shaun," Nate's voice carried from the hall before he appeared in the doorway, phone in hand. He was dressed in his black suit, "As soon as she's ready we'll leave."

Shaun started fussing when she stopped bouncing him and she gently patted him on the back as she stood.

"Who is it?" Allison crossed the few steps to stand in front of Nate.

' _Piper.'_ he mouthed and continued his conversation, "Ok, we'll see you soon."

Nate hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket before he started fiddling with his tie, attempting to get the knot just right.

"Here," Allison leaned over and passed him the baby then retied and straightened out his tie, "Is Piper coming?"

"Yeah, she's on her way. She'll meet us there." Allison tugged one last time and gave him a once over before giving him the thumbs up.

"Thank you." Nate leaned down and kissed her forehead, "Go get ready. I'll get everything for Shaun." Her eyes trailed after them as Nate walked down the hallway to get Shaun's bag from the livingroom.

Getting ready was a quick affair. Allison threw some pins in her hair and hastily did her makeup before stepping into her dress. Phone, wallet, lipstick, she tossed them in her purse as she made her way to the livingroom to join Nate and Shaun.

Nate was sitting on the couch with Shaun in his lap watching the news.

"I'm ready whenever you are," she announced and Nate looked at her over his shoulder at her. The newscaster softly chattered in the background giving updates on the war in the Middle East.

"I think I got everything and Shaun should be good." He stood and grabbed the bag off the couch before turning off the TV and walking around to the front door where Allison stood waiting.

"I can drive." The plan had been to take two cars, Nate was worried he might have to stay late.

"Are you sure?" he asked as Allison grabbed her keys from the hook.

"Yeah," If her sister was going, Allison could always ask her for a ride, "It's fine. Piper can take us home if it gets too late."

Nate frowned and stared with vacant eyes, clearly lost in his thoughts. Even though his hands were full Allison didn't miss the soft taps of his thumb on his thigh.

"It's fine." She moved closer and gently pressed her fingers against the inside of his arm.

His eyes met hers and the tapping stopped. The trance broken. "Alright, but let's take my car. I moved the car seat yesterday."

"Fine. But I'm driving." Nate looked like he was about to protest but Allison cut him off before he could respond. "I know you're nervous. Just let me drive."

He considered her for a moment before nodding in agreement.

As they left the house, Nate flicked on the porch light and checked one last time to make sure the lights were off and the door was locked.

Outside, twilight and the warmth of the day was quickly fading. Darkness encroached on them now as they walked down the path to the driveway and with the blackening sky came a crisp aftertaste in the air that promised winter would soon arrive.

Shaun was secured in his car seat and the bags tossed in the trunk before they got in the car and made their way toward town. The streets of Sanctuary were quiet and the drive to Concord was short.

It wasn't long before the major intersection just outside of town came into view.

 _Red light, stop._

Allison eased onto the brake and the car slowly rolled to a stop.

Shaun cooed and Allison looked back to see him batting at one of the toys hanging from his car seat. A smile slipped across her face as Nate's hand came to rest on her knee. She was so incredibly happy. Her life had perfectly fallen into place without her even realizing it. Allison was excited for the future and anxious to see what it held for her small family.

The radio softly played in the background, "Ally?"

 _Green light, go._

"Hnm?" Allison let off the brake as she stole a glance at Nate. His blue were eyes, shining in the lights of the dash, felt like home.

She hit the accelerator and as she entered the intersection, Nate flashed that crooked, goofy grin at her as if he was the luckiest man on earth, "You're so beautiful, I lov-"

The blinding white light came up quickly behind Nate followed by a screeching sound and the feeling of being torn apart - and then - darkness. In the black abyss there was nothing. Time ceased to exist and Allison wondered, _Is this what happens when you die?_

She could only be so lucky.


	2. In Between

" _Next!"_

 _The cash draw slammed shut and Allison glanced at the time on the flickering screen, 10:55 pm. Her palm connected with the side of the monitor and the wavering morphed into straight lines scrolling up the screen._

" _Piece of shit," she muttered to herself as her eyes drifted to the vacant space in front of her register._

 _Allison scanned the area, maybe it was her lucky night and all the customers had decided to go home and there was no one left in the store. Unfortunately for her, the line was long and her eyes settled on the next customer, dressed in full desert camo, jamming the little keys on his flip phone._

 _The store was closing in an hour and she had homework to do and class in the morning and why was it so damn busy? She didn't get paid enough to deal with these self-absorbed soldiers._

" _Next in line!" she called again._

 _Still the soldier looked down at his phone._

 _Idiot._

 _Working the express checkout sparked a hatred in Allison that made her want to lash out and slap that goddamn phone right out of his hand. The two parallel rows of mini registers were like a personal hell where an unending stream of insolent customers hid their contempt behind fake smiles and idle small talk. They filtered through a single, snaking line and really there was nothing express about it because morons like this guy held up the whole operation._

" _Hey!" Allison snapped her fingers, "Soldier boy, you gonna pay or you just gonna stand there?"_

 _The kid looked up in a daze, eyes darting around, and she could tell he was older than her but still young, early 20s maybe. The phone folded shut with a click and was shoved in his pocket before he made his way to her register._

 _Narrowed eyes tracked him as he approached like a predator surveying it's prey. He was tall and lanky and just like every other young soldier in this city._

 _The few items he had in his arms were dumped on the counter and he smiled at her before muttering an apology, "Sorry, I didn't hear you."_

" _Maybe next time don't stand so close to the artillery during target practice." Annoyance bit at her words and burned just under her skin as she leaned against the counter._

 _The knitting of his forehead pricked at her retinas and made her gut knot up. The guilt went down like sour milk because it was rude and she apparently had no filter. It wasn't his fault she was scheduled to close when she had school first thing in the morning. Allison looked away and started scanning his items. Why couldn't she just be nice?_

" _Yeah," his voice startled her. She expected the rest of the transaction to continue in silence for her crass behavior, but when she looked up she saw he wore a stupid, crooked grin, "they give us ear plugs but apparently mine are faulty."_

 _Obviously her dry humor wasn't lost on this kid and she felt the quirking of the corners of her own mouth, "Sounds like a personal problem."_

 _That earned her a chuckle. It was a deep, rich sound and Allison noticed that his eyes were like an ocean of blue. The gentle ebb and flow of the sea resonated through her and left her with the desire for more._

 _His order was small and she finished scanning his groceries quick enough. She hit the total button and told him, "Eleven twenty-three," as she bagged up the items._

 _The soldier dug around in his pockets looking for his wallet, "You from around here?" Allison wasn't sure why she asked. The standard small talk wasn't something she usually initiated._

" _Tacoma?" he glanced up as he pulled out his wallet and went to hand her a twenty but she was caught by his blue eyes and for a moment she froze up. "Nah, I grew up on the east coast."_

 _The hand holding the money jutted out further, but… What was she supposed to be doing? Did she ask him a question?_

 _Slowly the blue eyes that held his playful expression shifted and his features started to scrunch together, "You alright?"_

 _She kicked herself and forced the air out of her lungs, "Oh uh," her mind buzzed and she pushed her hair behind her ears as she tried hide her embarrassment, "yeah, sorry."_

 _That's right, she had a job to do. Allison swiped the cash from his hand and tried to remember what he had said, "So, uh, east coast?"_

 _She avoided his eyes as he answered, "Yeah."_

 _Allison fat fingered the 10-key and botched the amount entered. Internally she cursed but all the soldier heard was, "Where on the east coast?"_

 _Following the curve of his lips, she couldn't help it when she reached those blue eyes again and she tried to swallow the quickening of her pulse._

" _Boston," he responded._

 _Her eyes widened, what were the odds? "No shit!" she jumped and her heart missed a beat as the cash drawer clinked and slid open into her hip._

" _Ow!" Allison rubbed her hip and awkwardly mumbled, "Me too," as she felt the heat creep up her neck. God she could just die. If the floor swallowed her whole and cast her into the depths of hell right now, it would be better than standing here like an idiot in front of this soldier who had managed to get her all worked up._

" _Small world," his eyebrows lofted in surprise and he seemed to notice her discomfort because he cleared his throat and looked away as he extended his hand to accept his change._

" _Yeah, I guess so." She rifled through the drawer and counted back the change to him noting the name on his uniform. At this point, she just wanted to get him away from her register and out the door. "Thank you Mr. Williams. Have a good evening."_

 _Those blue eyes flicked to her name tag and she had to remind herself to breath before she opened her mouth and something stupid came out, "Ally. You can call me Ally."_

" _Alright, well...nice to meet you Ally. Thanks." His eyes were everywhere but on her as he shifted to put his change away and grabbed his bag. "I guess I'll see you around."_

" _Yeah...uh…" Unsure of how to respond, she settle for uncertainty, "Maybe you will."_

 _The smirked didn't go unnoticed as he turned to leave and for a moment she watched as he walked away. As she was about to call the next customer, the soldier stopped at the door and grabbed something out of his pocket. He fidgeted then abruptly turned around and hastily marched back to her._

" _I think you gave me the wrong change." A folded bill was thrust toward her._

 _Allison went to take it but stopped, "No, I counted it back-"_

" _Trust me," with a wink and a force of the hand, she took the cash, "you gave me the wrong change."_

 _She opened her mouth to further explain that even though she messed it up on the terminal, she was certain she counted back the correct change. But the soldier hurried away before the words could leave her lips. Her brows came together as she looked at the money in her hand and then unfolded the bill._

 _There was a single sentence scrawled inside._

'Next time call me Nate.'

 _A strange warmth, an almost giddy feeling, was blooming in her chest. For some reason, this soldier had left her flustered and at a loss for words. Allison shoved the cash in her pocket and she wondered as she called "Next in line!" if she would see the mysterious Nate Williams with the blue eyes from Boston again._


	3. Just a Little Unsteady

_Like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,  
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,  
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul._

 _-"Only Death," Pablo Neruda-_

 _ **-October 23, 2017-**_

It was unseasonably cold.

The howling of the wind was like an eerie chorus of phantoms as the air was forced through the gaps in the highrise buildings. Above, looming puffs of gray churned together, smothering the light of the morning sun, and threatening to dump a deluge of near freezing rain across the city.

The downtown apartment building overshadowed her as Allison desperately tried to gain entry with no avail. Tiny tendrils of her honey colored hair whipped against her skin and stung her face as they escaped from her braid and were blown about by the blustery wind.

 _Why was it so damn cold?!_

The small nook by the door she was huddled in provided little shelter and she rubbed her hands against her arms, trying to keep warm. A chill ground through her bones and Allison wondered how she had survived the winters before. It was a stark contrast to how things had been this time a year ago. Memories of warmer weather and sweet embraces choked her mind and she ripped off her scarf and pulled at her jacket, letting the wind strangle away the past.

She deserved this.

It was like the old brick building was laughing at her, the wind gusted all around, as she looked up into vacant windows. She was being punished. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be forced to stand out here until slowly, painfully she perished from hypothermia.

Allison's feeble attempts to get her sister to let her in had been useless at best. Frustration groaned from her throat as she mashed the little silver button next to the name _P. Wright_ scrawled in black ink.

Nothing. No answer. Only the soft click of the of the call box as the unanswered signal was sent above. Again she pressed the button and again it was met with silence.

A gust of wind surged against her and nearly knocked her off her feet, "Damn-it Piper!" she tried to shout but her curse was hushed away by the squal.

The loosely bound threads of her sanity were beginning to come unravelled, the scraggly ends fraying in the wind. The last few inches of the rope were in sight and Allison wasn't so sure she could hang on.

' _I know what you did.'_

Whispers. Was it the wind? Or simply madness knocking on the confines of her skull.

A year. 365 days.

Allison was abruptly reminded that an entire year had passed without them and she loathed the day she woke up to discover she was the only survivor. Since then, life had been daunting and meaningless but she had been unable to lock down the elusive lull of death. Not that she hadn't tried. But every time she was a coward. Panicking at the last second and failing to properly commit the act.

In those early weeks, she had tried to face her new life head on, but had been overwhelmed by grief and when she attempted to flee, guilt had gripped her so hard that she didn't even resist when it dragged her back to her pit of hell. So she gave up, and walked around a barren vestige of herself. Drifting somewhere between life and death, a soulless beast with emptiness in her eyes and a void in her heart. It felt like her insides were black. Charred by the unforgivable sin she had committed.

"Come on Piper," a sharp shake of her head, to clear her thoughts, was followed by a rapid succession of mashing and _click, click, click_.

Desperation was taking hold as her rumination ventured into the shadows of her mind. Allison swore she could _feel_ the cold steel pins and rods, aching and groaning, in the bones of her leg as she stood exposed in the brisk autumn morning. Remnants of the painful physical damage spasmed from the tips of her toes up into her throat.

On impulse, Allison reached in the bag that hung at her side and pulled out the familiar orange bottle. Empty. She gave it a shake just to confirm what she already knew.

 _Shit._

Her mind raced but she calmed herself enough to reason that perhaps she could make it through this visit unaided. However, she couldn't stay long and she would have to pay her old friend a visit.

Her eyes and her attention flicked back to that little silver button. She would murder it. _Click, click, click, click, click…_

"What?!" the angry voice crackled and sputtered through the speaker on the call box.

Perhaps there was a God.

"Piper open the door!" Allison shouted back.

"Ally what-"

"Just open the goddamn door!" Her hands shook as she jammed the vial back in her bag.

"It- ' _Was your fault._ '

What did Piper say?

Allison blinked at the box, unsure of what she just heard. Her ears strained but were greeted only with ambient street noise as her eyes darted around to make sure she was alone. The mind was a terrible thing to lose and apparently Allison's had gone out the window long ago.

 _It's only the wind,_ she jabbed the little button again, "It's freezing out here! Are you gonna let me in or not?"

There was a loud buzz and Allison reached for the handle and flung the door open. A few seconds passed as she struggled against the gale before she managed to slam it shut behind her. Finally, she stood in the lobby and was flooded with warmth. The howling in her mind ceasing with the dying wind.

For a moment she stood there with her eyes closed, listening only to the ringing in her ears. She rubbed her forehead between her fingers and her thumb, trying to rein in her madness. Maybe coming here had been a bad idea afterall.

A shadow passed by her as she opened her eyes and she was met with accusing blue irises as the figure reached for the door handle.

' _It should have been you.'_ He mocked her with contempt in his eyes and a sneer across his lips.

Like the sharp snap of splintering wood, her reality shifted.

It was an accident! But she should have been more careful. She blamed herself, but there was nothing she could do! He _had_ to know. She didn't mean for this to happen! And her perception was blurred by blinding white light and an ocean of blue.

"I'm sorry!" Allison cried out and reached for him, _Please don't go!_

"Excuse me?" Blue eyes that were unfamiliar and cold glared down at her as she clung to the stranger's coat.

 _Nate… No. It…it wasn't him._

Allison stared up at the man who was clearly not her husband. The haze in her mind slowly dissipating as she released him and the crack in her chest throbbed.

"I…" Her throat tightened and her cheeks burned as clarity came back her, "thought you were someone else."

"Yeah, whatever," he muttered as he shrugged away from her and opened the door before disappearing into the dreary morning.

The sudden blast of cold air righted her senses and Allison stood there a sniveling, aching mess. Is this what she was reduced to now? Grasping at strangers? Allowing voices and hallucinations to clutch her sanity? Her chest heaved and her knees shook as she pressed her hands against face and breathed in… and out… weakness threatened to escape.

Allison took a moment to collect herself and wiped away the shame that had managed to leak from her eyes. _Just keep moving. Don't look back, s_ he told herself and purposefully moved through the lobby on unsteady feet, towards the hallway that held the stairs.

A bitter, snort of laughter escaped her lips because that line of thinking had worked out _so well_ for her. Denial. Guilt. Loneliness. Grief. Anger. Self-depreciation. She had no right, no claim to continue living. It was a cruel twist of fate that had allowed her to survive. The sinkhole she found herself in grew deeper everyday and the more she clawed at the broken earth, trying to escape, the further she fell.

Like a hollow specter, she floated through the halls and up the stairs. There was no elevator. And of course Piped lived on the top floor of the old building. The ascension to the summit felt like an impossible feat. Her limbs were heavy and uncoordinated and the stale air burned her lungs. Each step took more effort than she wanted to give but she willed her legs to keep moving and convinced herself that it was just a little bit farther.

Even the simple task of getting out of bed and leaving the house this morning had been an overwhelming struggle. In the end, she had come to the conclusion that making the effort would yield a far better outcome than sitting alone in her hidey hole all day.

Eventually, her slow and grinding joints deposited her in front of her sister's door. Allison lifted her hand to knock but paused to consider that maybe she should just leave. Go home and crawl between the safety of her sheets. Sleep seemed to be one of the only worthwhile escapes. But she didn't really sleep. Not anymore. It was more of a stasis, a suspension between consciousness and dreaming. A comfortable abyss that served only for the purpose of passing the time and the avoidance of living.

The pounding of her fist on the metal door was perhaps a little too hard and she laughed at the idea that she could be construed as a mini earthquake.

The door flew open and revealed a less than happy Piper dressed in a bathrobe with soap still dripping from her dark hair. "I was in the shower," she scowled.

Allison prepared her defense mechanisms and as usual defaulted to sarcasm. "I was out of coffee."

"Ally," she was rewarded with a scoff and an eye roll, "I know you passed _several_ coffee shops and gas stations coming here."

"You make it better." Allison shrugged as she pushed passed her sister and into the apartment.

The door clicked shut behind her but Allison didn't hear Piper's footsteps following her as she walked into to the kitchen off the entryway. She supposed the caffeine would offer a brief distraction from the need that scratched at her bones.

"Please tell me you already brewed some." Allison really didn't feel like going through the motions.

Nothing was heard from her sister as she scanned the kitchen and spotted the coffee maker on the counter. She grabbed the carafe and gave it a shake. Half-full. It was the little things that made her smile. A small victory, but she would greedily take what she could get.

Still not a sound from Piper. Allison paused and sucked in her bottom lip, chewing at the tender flesh. This was a bad idea. Apparently the heaviness between her sister hadn't dissipated since their last encounter. Perhaps she could avoid the awkwardness by deflecting and refusing to make eye contact.

"Where's Nat?" Allison asked as she reached in the cabinet overhead to get a mug.

The sassy and inquisitive foster youth, usually bustling around and talking nonstop, was nowhere to be seen.

It seemed that the silent treatment would continue but then, "She left for school already," Piper's voice drifted from the entryway.

Steam billowed from the hot, black liquid as Allison filled the mug to the brim. She could feel Piper's eyes on her back but the sensation that her insides were crawling prevented her from meeting her gaze. Again, Allison thought she shouldn't have come here.

"What do you think…?" she muttered to the dark elixir in her hand as if an omen would suddenly appear.

' _Mine are faulty.'_

"What?" The mug nearly slipped and scorching coffee sloshed onto Allison's hand as she jerked around.

The blurry features of Piper's face shifted together, ' _Sounds like a personal problem,"_ and Allison could feel the color draining from her face.

"What did you say?" a desperate sob escaped her throat.

Piper was moving, coming closer, but Allison felt muddled, her mind thick with cottony fog. A hand was on her wrist and there was a gentle tugging as the mug was pulled from her grip.

"Ally." It was a slow creeping sensation in her brain as she struggled to decipher what has real.

' _You can call me Ally.'_

"Stop calling me that!" Allison shouted and tore away from the hand that was holding her as she squeezed her eyes shut and knotted her hands in her hair.

It was as if the world had tilted and dumped her into purgatory, careening into the depths of her blackened soul. Her fingers scraped against her scalp as she tried in vain to control her derangement.

Her mind was a projector stuck on an endless loop. Images of a younger version of herself standing at the cash register mixed together with the reality of kitchen appliances, coffee, and a dark haired woman holding her. Tieing her down. Keeping her in place.

It was as if her heart was trying to burst out of her chest as it squeezed and thundered against her ribs. Her lungs were heavy and full and she choked on nothing but air. Like dry drowning on her own saliva.

"Shit!" The mug was knocked from Piper's grasp and coffee hung in the air as her sister fumbled and failed to catch the mug before both crashed to the floor.

Allison tensed at the sound and forced herself out of the murkiness as her sister rounded on her, "Why are you here?!" Piper snapped with a shake of her head and her hands clenched by her sides.

Her sister never was one to beat around the bush and Allison supposed she deserved that. The last time she had seen her sister, Piper had ended up with a fat lip from the back of her hand. Now, she was seeing ghosts and losing her sanity. Allison wasn't exactly good company these days.

"I- today…" Allison couldn't quite get the words out. She was still reeling and trying to pull herself together but mostly, her subconscious was retreating in self-defense, not allowing her to voice what she felt.

Her pulse drummed in her ears and the unsteady breaths of air that she drew in felt far from sufficient. God her chest _hurt_. Again she opened her mouth but all that came out was a meager, "...I'm sorry."

Feeling was returning and her hand screamed like it was on fire. Allison awkwardly wiped her coffee stained fingers on her pants and sheepishly looked at her sister. Silently she pled for her to understand. Piper relaxed, her expression softened and her head lolled back as she closed her eyes and sighed.

"Allison." Their eyes met but Allison quickly looked away and she hoped she didn't look as pathetic as she felt. There was heat on her skin, inching up her neck, and the color in her cheeks was returning full force.

"I know what today is," Allison glanced back as her sister reached down to collect the larger pieces of the broken mug, "and I know it's hard for you…" Piper leveled with her again, "...but you can't keep acting like this."

It was all she could do to shift her stare to the ground as Piper moved in her peripherals, gathering towels and a dustpan. And she was ashamed because she didn't know who she was anymore. There was humiliation bubbling beneath her skin, swelling in her throat, and she desperately wanted to crawl into herself.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. It was a miserable sound that left her lips and her surroundings began to bleed together. She didn't know what else to say and she felt exposed. Vulnerable.

Quiet footfalls and barefeet joined her view of the now clean floor. "I shouldn't have yelled at you." There was the brush of fingers against her palm, "I'm sorry too."

Allison bristled at her sister's kindness. "Don't apologize," her shame was threatening to release itself again, "I deserved it." It brimmed in her eyes and flushed across her face and self-preservation began to take root in her chest. "I don't deserve your sympathy and I certainly don't want your pity."

Her sister reached for her and her eyes flicked up to meet Piper's compassionate expression. Allison's heart trembled and lurched. Her brain forced her to retreat and again she reset to default, "You have soap in your hair."

Better. Easier. Safer to deflect. Allison blinked and quickly palmed away the moisture on her cheeks.

There was drop in Piper's shoulders as she released her breath and touched her hair.

"Alright," Piper would relent, for now, and she gently touched Allison's shoulder, "but you're not getting off that easy. We're still gonna talk about this."

Somehow, Allison managed a compulsory quirk of her lips that she was sure looked more like a frown. Her sister seemed satisfied though, because Piper brushed passed and walked into her room off the living area.

And now she was alone. Left to stand by herself in the kitchen, wondering what had evoked the memory of her first encounter with Nate.

What should she do? Escape? It wouldn't be difficult. Allison could leave, make a quick stop, then head home and forget this whole thing ever happened. Again, there was a weight pulling her down where the empty bottle still hung heavy in the bag on her shoulder.

 _Leave. Just go. Run away. It would be so easy._

She rubbed the back of her neck and bowed her head, closing eyes to the external stimuli. _No._ She would stay. It was the right thing to do. The _sane_ thing to do.

Allison roamed through the kitchen into the living room, tossing her bag and the compulsion on the couch as she decidedly made her way to the wall of windows that overlooked downtown. The sound of running water came from the other room and now she stood, alone with her thoughts, staring out upon the muted colors of Boston. The mind was a dangerous vessel when left to wander the inner reaches of one's consciousness.

Surrounded only by the confines of her mind and the hauntings of her past, Allison rubbed at her throat, feeling the jagged and puckered skin beneath her fingertips. She traced the line of the scar that stopped just below her collarbone and she could feel the monster within. It was tugging at the shackles of her heart, demanding to be set free, threatening to consume her. The habitual ache, that never truly left, was rearing its ugly head.

Her fingernails scraped against the wounded skin and there was blood on her hands and a scream caught in her throat. Maybe if she was lucky she could-

"Blue?"

Allison whipped around, her face paled. She hadn't heard the creak of the door or the soft pitter-patter of feet on the carpet. Piper stood next to her now, clean and properly dressed, with fresh coffee in hand. Her hands… Allison looked down, they were clean.

"Blue, you ok?" Piper touched her arm, fingers lightly trailing before falling back to her side.

She blanched and stared for a moment before answering, "Yeah," she pressed her fingers against her temple and rattled her skull, "I just… didn't hear you."

Over her shoulder, Fenway Park could be seen through the glass that encompassed the living room wall, and people below carried on with their lives because that was the _normal_ thing to do. Allison didn't envy them or maybe she did. If she was one of them, than maybe she could blend into the crowd but it also meant she would have to let go. That posed a problem. Could she let go? Did she _want_ to let go?

These were the musing of the madness in her mind. It was a sickness that spread from within, overshadowing her life and staining her soul, choking away her sanity.

What would Nate think of her now? He would be _so proud_ of the person she had become.

Allison throttled her spiraling thoughts and focused her attention back to the woman standing next to her. Her sister looked genuinely concerned, but she didn't want Piper to worry. Even though she wasn't quite right in the head, this was her burden to bare. Her punishment for being allowed to live. The last thing Allison wanted was Piper asking questions.

So she forced a smile, "It's Bleu," and politely corrected her sister.

The concern didn't leave Piper's face but she returned her smile and handed her the coffee, "Well, it's Bleu-Marie if you're gonna get technical about it."

"Why can't you just call me Allison?" she sighed as she took the coffee and sank into her hip with her free hand.

"Where's the fun in that little sis?" Piper nudged into her and Allison teasingly pushed back, careful not to spill her coffee… again.

The contact wasn't unwelcome and when Piper withdrew to make for the couch, Allison wondered how long it had been since she had been in the arms of someone who actually cared about her.

The thought caused a fresh needling in her heart. Allison so desperately wished she could go one day, just one day, without the constant throbbing and the need to sleep or self-medicate. She knew Piper wanted her to sit with her but she wasn't so sure she wanted to explore where the conversation would lead. So she just stood there and watched, sipping the steaming liquid.

Piper lowered herself onto the sofa and propped her legs up on the coffee table. "I never understood why mom gave you two middle names."

"I never understood a lot of things mom did." Allison shifted her weight as she spoke from the rim of her mug. The loss of her mother had been unexpected as well, but she had been more of a free spirit back then. Young and full of dreams and ambitions, with the need to wander and see the world. Nate had helped too…

 _Damn-it!_ Her expression soured and she scowled at her coffee.

Why did she always go back there?

"Yeah, I guess she was a little... eccentric." If her frustration showed on her face, Piper was choosing to ignore it.

"A little?" Allison's questioning tone was accompanied by raised eyebrows and a cock of her head, "Piper, we grew up on the road in a delivery truck converted into a mobile home. Come on, who does that?"

The lighthearted expression on Piper's face was fading into some more serious, "It was complicated. She made a judgement call."

Allison stepped through the living room and plopped down beside her sister on the couch, "I don't know Pipes. Seems a little extreme."

"She wanted to get away from your father," she said it as if the problem had a simple black and white solution.

"But to just pack up and leave Boston?" Maybe Allison didn't fully understand her mother's reasoning, but coming to the conclusion to uproot their family seemed drastic.

"Allison," Piper crossed her feet at the ankles her foot twitched, "You've met the man, your father isn't exactly right in the head."

Indeed when Allison had followed Piper back to Boston she had tried to reestablish ties with her father but quickly realized he wasn't someone she wanted to be associated with.

"He's _interesting_ for sure," Allison agreed with her sister and was beginning to understand that her current mental state was on par with the rest of her family. Although, Piper seemed mentally sound, but then again she only shared half her DNA, "but dangerous...? I don't know."

Piper opened her mouth but quickly shut it. They were moving beyond the sphere of typical family.

"That's a debate for another time." Piper's eyes shifted around, refusing to make contact with Allison.

For once, her thoughts weren't perseverating on the loss of her family and Allison was curious what her reporter sister had dredged up. "You still working on that story about body snatchers?" she probed as she set her coffee on the table.

That got her sister's attention and Piper's eyes flicked toward her, "There's been a steady rise in the number of reported kidnappings, but if you walk the streets and talk to people off the record, the number of unreported incidents increases tenfold."

"But why?" Allison shook her head and propped her elbows on her knees.

Piper's eyes narrowed, "I have my theories."

Allison's hands settle in her lap, her back hunched as she looked at Piper over her shoulder. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"I don't want to go firing from the hip, half-cocked you know? But I think there is a reason the media isn't covering it and the authorities aren't investigating."

"Like someone is paying them off?" Allison's brows came together as she asked. Of course she had heard stories of corruption and reporters or law enforcement getting a little extra under the table to spin the truth in someone else's favor, but entire organizations…?

"Maybe." Piper ran her fingers through her hair, "Or they're afraid."

"Afraid?" There was an overarching sense of fear amongst the general population but that was to be expect with the war. "Of what? Terrorists?"

Piper took the time to think before answering with a shake of her head, "I think that's only a small portion of the problem."

"Than what?" Allison continued staring.

Piper's eyes widened, "The boogeyman," she clapped her fingers over her mouth in mocked terror.

Allison sat up and looked away scoffing,"Piper do be ridiculous," the eye roll was definitely deserved.

Piper merely winked and stretched her toes, "I don't know, I just think there is more to the story."

A lot had happened recently. Strange and seemingly random events, unexplainable attacks and people just disappearing. Gone without a trace. Allison, and the rest of the country had, chalked it up to the war and rising terrorist activity. But if Piper's theories, based on scarcely founded perceptions, unscrupulous tidings, and political corruption, were correct, that would mean-

No. Allison would not allow herself to entertain the crazy ideas of a sensationalized journalist.

"There are a lot of sound explanations for the things that have been happening lately." Allison smoothed back her unruly hair as she sat back. The sofa engulfed her and lulled her into a false sense of security.

"I mean we're at war," she continued, "There's also been an increase in terrorist attacks. Just yesterday there was an attack in New York. The military has confirmed an increased threat of enemy invasion. Any number of terrorist groups are practically knocking at our door." The world they lived in today was very different from the world her parents grew up in.

It was a world cultivated in fear where people were being shot in the streets, mass shootings and bombings were a regular occurrence. It was senseless and a feeling of paranoia gripped the nation and led to prejudice. Hate crimes fueled by racism and hysteria happened daily and people were killed simply because of the color of their skin.

"Any day now enemy soldiers will be swarming our cities." It felt like something Nate would say and Allison wished he was here. She missed them so much it hurt.

Even though her husband wouldn't have been able to fix the problems in the world, maybe she wouldn't feel so uncertain. It pained her that she even thought it, but in a way Allison was grateful that she didn't have to raise her son in this world full war and hate.

"I'm just saying," Piper said with a raise of her shoulder, "think about it. It's possible something else is going on here."

And think about it she would. Allison bit her lip and idly twisted her braid between her fingers. Her thoughts a muddied tangle of her dead husband and son. Of war and body snatchers, and the idea that somehow it was all connected.

"I miss them."

"I know." Allison looked up in surprise as Piper shifted and her hand caught her arm. Had she said that out loud?

The anxious, unstable thoughts were returning. Invading her mind like a virus and she feared she wouldn't be able to hold back the ocean of grief that threatened to strangle the life right out of her.

Allison clutched at her hair and shied away from the hand on her arm. Her pupils traced the lines of Piper's fingers but she refused to make eye contact for fear of what she might find in her sister's face. Kindness seemed like a luxury she didn't deserve, so she focused on her knees and tried to keep the demons at bay.

The memories of Nate and Shaun haunted her every waking moment. There was no escape. And when she closed her eyes she was assaulted with blue eyes and that crooked smile. The last memory she had of Nate, and she wasn't even sure if it was real. Those final moments before the wreck were a blur in her mind, except the image of Nate's face right before impact. It was branded into her brain. A scar left to taunt her and remind her that she had caused the unthinkable.

"So are we gonna talk about this?" Allison came back to herself and realized that Piper had inched closer and managed slip her arm around her shoulders.

Her cheeks were warm and wet and Allison scrubbed at her eyes, trying to brush away the tears. The need to flee was overpowered by the simple need to just let go. Let it all hang out and, if only for a moment, allow herself to be the broken, grieving widow.

"It's been a year," unable to dam the flow of tears, Allison buried her head in her hands, "They should be here. I should be raising a toddler and fussing at Nate for not taking _anything_ seriously."

Piper rubbed her sister's back but said nothing.

"We were gonna try for a second. Nate… I… But- now I'm just alone." The burden was too much to bare.

Allison took a shuddering breath and Piper pulled her into her arms. "You'll be alright. You just gotta keep moving forward. It will get better with time."

She knew Piper was just trying to help but she didn't - couldn't - understand, "I can't help but think it should have been me." Allison muffled voice felt weak, she was a coward, weeping in her sister's arms.

"It wasn't your fault," Piper soothed and held her a little tighter.

"Maybe," the truck had run the red light but Allison blamed herself, "but I can't help but think it should have been me instead."

"Aww, Blue, don't say-"

"Please Piper," all her energy was draining away, "I don't want to argue."

Piper made a soft sound of protest but didn't respond. Allison knew her sister wanted to insist that it wasn't her fault, argue her point, but Allison just didn't want to hear it.

They remained like that for some time. Allison silently wept in her sister's embrace. She grieved and cried, not only for the loss of her husband and son, but for the loss of herself. Eventually she ran herself dry and there were no tears left to shed.

Her thoughts were heavy and her limbs were starting to ache. The dull and ever-present pain behind her eyes was now thundering through her skill and her thoughts drifted back to the empty vial in the bag next to her.

When did she take the last one? Was it this morning? Last night? She couldn't remember. All she knew was she _needed_ it. Now. And perhaps she depended on the white, oval pills a little too much but it was a crutch she wasn't willing to give up quite yet.

"I'm tired." Allison sighed and pushed away from sister, wiping at her bloodshot eyes, "I think I'm gonna go."

Piper was reluctant to let go, "You sure?" she frowned, "We can do something if you want."

"Yeah," Allison no longer had the strength to deal with this today, "I just want to go home."

The white lie left her lips without hesitation as she grabbed her bag and stood to leave. She passed through the living room and kitchen, with the sound of Piper following behind her.

When she reached the door, she paused briefly and turned around. Piper stood in the hallway, her forehead creased.

"Don't worry about me," Allison assured her and gave her a hug, "I'm fine."

Allison loosened her grip but when Piper didn't respond and continued to hold her, she feared that her sister had seen the shaking of her hands or felt the slight tremble in her body.

"Just… be safe." Piper finally spoke and squeezed Allison one last time before releasing her.

For the briefest of moments Allison felt the guilt stab at her but she stuffed it away and reached for the door handle, "I will."

Without a second glance Allison was out the door. Once in the hallway, her hand immediately went to bottle in her bag. Without thinking she palmed, shook it, as if more would magically appear. She _needed_ a refill and there was only one place left where she could get it.

Colors and sounds passed in a blur in her haste to get out of the building. Before she knew it she was on the street, standing outside in the cold. The frigid air stung her exposed flesh and she kicked herself for not thinking to call an Uber on way down.

She jabbed around in her bag, her hand closed around the empty vial a few times before she finally found her phone. Although she had been able to keep it together while she was with Piper, the need was now overwhelming her senses. Her muscles and joints screamed in protest as she moved. The aching, throbbing sensation burned through her to her very core causing beads of to trickle down her back, despite the drop in temperature.

Her hands shook and her fingers seemed fat and heavy as she tried to type in the address. She butchered it, once, twice-

"Goddamnit!" A passerby stopped and stared for a second as Allison cursed in the wind.

Finally the she got it right and she watched as the little car on her screen began to move toward her. It was taking too long. So she paced; back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The need to move harassing her brain, forcing her muscles to move on their own accord.

It seemed like an eternity before the driver finally pulled up. Allison yanked open the door to the backseat and thrust herself inside.

With a heavy sigh, she caught her head in her hands. She clawed at her skull and tried to calm her body, but nausea was simmering in her gut and she just wanted to be there already.

"Rough night?"

Allison lifted her head just enough to see the driver looking at her in the rearview mirror. Her reflection beside his was a sickly sight. Dark circles lined her eyes, her skin was a grayish hue, and her face was hollow. She couldn't stand the image of herself and looked away in disgust.

"Something like that," she replied just to get him to start driving.

"So where we headed," he was still staring at her with a stupid smile on his face.

She didn't have time for pleasantries and she never was one for idle smalltalk. It just seemed so pointless, and he had the address. Despite her souring mood, Allison managed the customary response nonetheless.

"Goodneighbor."


End file.
